Not The Average Day For SG1!
by Abby R and Ali D
Summary: Looking for a story complete with no plot, outrageous circumstances, and HEAPS of HUMOR? Look no further. This is definately NOT SG-1's most normal day. I applaude you if you get to the end! We've fixed the sentences to make it easier to read! Bwa ha ha!


Okay, familiar with Stargate SG-1 are we? Well, be prepared for your worst nightmare! Written in 2 days by taking turns at writing a paragraph, it's our version of SG-1, "our" being Alison Davis and myself, Abigail Rattray. Sure, we're your average "normal" teenagers who just happen to be best friends, and at the time, this seemed like a fun idea: to create our own stories of the adventures of the infamous SG-1. If you're very familiar with the show, then you will be happy that, yes, we've kept the original characters (that being Colonel O'Neill, Major Carter, Daniel Jackson, Teal'c etc.), and added a few of our own as fan fiction writers tend to do. Also, be aware that we've reincarnated Ra, as it seems, and that some familiar characters such as Narim and Martouf etc. are also put into totally different situations from what would appear on your normal domestic family television screen. As well, we've added our own "sound effects" such as "Bloop" for the sound that one makes when entering and exiting the Stargate and "Dit Dit Schreww" for the Zat gun. So, if you really want to, then read on. If you manage to get to the end, then do Alison and I a favour and send us some feedback, whether it be bad or good, we welcome anything!  
  
It's corny, it's unintelligent, but you've got to start somewhere right?  
  
DISCLAIMER:  
  
Although it would appear that Alison and myself have total control over the actions of the characters from the television show Stargate SG-1, it is not the case. We are merely borrowing them and will return them seemingly unharmed to their rightful owner and creator Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. Also, we don't wish to infringe on any copyright laws and we are NOT receiving any money whatsoever for our stories. However, characters, objects and situations etc. that have been created by ourselves, (that is, our original ideas) are our property and we do not give permission for them to be archived or reproduced unless the author's permission is given.  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
Our story starts in the heart of a busy city and beneath the mountain that towers over it down in that "sweet" little valley a secret operation is taking place - this service is run by the government, in order to protect the citizens of their beloved country and world.  
  
Mt. Cheyenne is guarded by men and is under heavy surveillance at all times - this is to keep intruders out (well duh!) and for the uninformed, oblivious citizens "own safety". Or at least that's how a certain General Hammond puts it! General Hammond is a simple man, a bald but non the less simple. He has four chins (at least) and has been involved with the military for some time now, apart from this, he wouldn't hurt a fly....... Or would he?!  
  
"GET ME COLONEL O'NEILL!!" It seemed the General had just eaten a peanut butter sandwich for lunch - how did I guess that?! I didn't! A fat bald man shouting at you for no reason except the pure power of being in command of anyone within at least 10 km never stops to think if me may be spraying gooey brown paste on you which have flown from their previous position of being wedged between his coffee stained, plaque covered dentures. "Yes Sir." (By the way, I forgot my manners. My name is sergeant Siler and I operate the powerful, yet very sensitive highly sophisticated, configuration of many networks of the Stargate command's computer system which will simultaneously combust if I do not update the computers black boxes every hour on the strike of 26.258 seconds past 12. My expertise is crucial to the whole entire operation. This ensures my survival in the workplace, as if I were not important I would be a target of senseless bashing as a result of their dislike for my dazzling yet very expensive coke-bottles (they're Italian you know!). In short, I am ultimately, the all supremo technology guru!) "SILER!!!" Ah...... Yes, I'm doing that right now, you fat old ba****d! (Ahem! I also learnt French at school). ************** "AH CRAP!" Colonel O'Neill slammed the door to his quarters and locked it at the sound of Slier calling his name.  
  
"Just keep on walking. I'm not here and if I was, I wouldn't be comin' out for Siler!" He thought. "General Ham-O-Rama should find someone else to do all his sticky deeds."  
  
Siler knocked on Jack's door, "Colonel, are you in there?"  
  
[NO, and don't touch my door again. I bet you've smudged my new name plate with your jammy fingers.]  
  
"Colonel?"  
  
"No he's not in here. Go away sticky-boy"  
  
"Oh, Okay. Well if you see Colonel O'Neill, could you tell him that the General's looking for him?"  
  
"Sure. Now SCRAM!" Jack shivered "I hate that guy! "Geez! You'd think I didn't have a real life..... God damn it! I'd better go down to the Stargate- only because I feel like it though, plus the fact that there's a pretty good chance of a mission including the job description of certain death around here"  
  
"Ah! Jack! Just the person I was looking for!"  
  
[Just GREAT! The fat man's written another lecture on the importance of the US Government or something.... SCREW THIS!] The thought of standing around with no Goa'ulds to exterminate, with the addition of General Hammond's weird sense of patriotism was...... What's the word? BORING! And, yes it would most likely bore the crap out of O'Neill.  
  
"Ah, Sir?" "Yes Colonel." "I promised Major Carter I'd help her out with an .... Ah, experiment."  
  
"Oh?!"  
  
"Ah, yeah, it's an experiment called the um chemical missile destruction.... Ah..... Value?!"  
  
"All right, I'll speak to you later."  
  
"Ah, um, cool! *Ahem* can't wait."  
  
The General gave Jack a wan smile. "Dismissed then."  
  
"Thank you Sir." Jack hurried down the SGC corridors. He thought he might as well keep his "promise" with Sam, considering he liked her company anyway. Well, when she wasn't rattling on about geomagnetic storms in hyper space or some other kind of technobabble. She had the uncanny ability to keep him interested in what she was saying. Jack really didn't care that he didn't understand what she was saying half the time, he just like to watch he tongue wag. Well, if Jack could muster up another 10 seconds to his already existing 5 of attention span, he'd be able to put up with a lot more technobabble before he had to interrupt, requesting that they speak in English for a while. But, that wasn't the case.  
  
"Hey Jack...... Jack?"  
  
[maybe if I wasn't so dumb....dumb? Where did that come from? Dumb is a word that describes a...]  
  
"JACK!"  
  
"Woa! Geez Daniel. Can't you give me warning next time?" Jack snapped. "What're you tryin' to do? Give me a heart attack?"  
  
"Whatever, anyway, Jack are you busy right now? I need some help sorting those artifacts that we brought back from P3X-101."  
  
"Ah, gee, I'd like to *COU(not)GH* help you with ahhh... What you said buuut."  
  
"But?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Go on"  
  
"Oh, I was gonna check on Carter and be driven into a state of the stunned mullet kind over her whacked up technobabble."  
  
"Whacked up?"  
  
"It's the boredom speaking"  
  
"Right. Well, I would love you to do "that" but Sam's not in her lab right now."  
  
"Quarters?"  
  
"Nope. She's off world with SG-6 at the moment, collecting soil samples."  
  
"Oh. Okay, s'pose I'm helping you then"  
  
"Good Oh!"  
  
[YEAH RIGHT!]  
  
Daniel pushed his glasses back up to the top of his nose and started to shuffle down the corridor, meanwhile Jack stayed frozen in the same place.  
  
"Jack!"  
  
"Oh sorry - I, I was...... Thinking ?!"  
  
"Ah yeah, right."  
  
Jack glumly started after Daniel. This was going to be so boring, plus the fact that he told the General he was supposed to be working with Major Carter. If the General caught him slacking off (what? You weren't expecting him to work for Daniel were you?) He'd get another lecture about how work comes before social life. YADDA! YADDA! YADDA! He heard it all before when he got drunk with the locals on some exotic planet. YADDA! YADDA! YADDA! Jack was woken from his daydream when a piece of paper flew from Daniel's hands and onto the floor in front of him. "Oh Daniel. Why have you got porno in your stack of mission reports?"  
  
"Huh.. WHAT?" Daniel spun around on his heels.  
  
"Geez Danny!"  
  
"Hey! that's not what you think. That's some tribal girl from that planet where you went tipsy on us!"  
  
"Oh you had to bring that up!"  
  
"Give me that!" Daniel snatched the paper from him.  
  
"Well, I just want you to know I don't buy it PHH! Tribal girl! And yeah just change the subject when...." As they rounded the corridor Jack's voice faded to a mumble.  
  
"AHH!"  
  
"Oh no! I'm so sorry! Let me help you!" For the third time this week Daniel had clumsily crashed into one of the other personnel in the corridor.  
  
"By this rate, Daniel, I'll have you bandaged up in cotton wool" Today Daniel's victim was Dr. Frasier.  
  
"Forget it, I've tried that and believe me, it doesn't work" Jack cracked another of his corny yet funny comments.  
  
"Humorous as always Colonel, have you been taking those tablets for that migraine of yours?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah sure I have - believe me though there are other solutions" (like keep away from babbling female doctors)  
  
"What was that Colonel?" Janet eyed him.  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"I do not babble sir" Janet coolly told him.  
  
"What? How the hell did you..... WHAT?" Janet walked past him, purposely nudging her shoulder into his arm on the way.  
  
"I'm a Doctor sir!" She called over her shoulder to the gob smacked Colonel.  
  
"Daniel, do you get this eerie feeling when you're near scientists or doctors lately?"  
  
"Nope. Must be you Jack. Now, are you gonna help me or not?"  
  
"COLONEL O'NEILL! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"  
  
"Um, not."  
  
"I thought you said you were helping out Major Carter - I did not give you permission to be cruising around in and out wherever you please!"  
  
"Ah well Carter was... and Daniel is ... and then Janet, *Sigh* yes Sir."  
  
"Well this will have to wait you have a mission. SG-6 and Major Carter have asked for your assistance, er you and Dr. Jackson."  
  
"OKAY sir we'll be leaving now, Hey how come you didn't know Carter was off- world before?"  
  
"Oh but I did Colonel." (I'll never understand why he does that! Oh just wait until I get my own command! JUST WAIT! I'll show him up!)  
  
"General Hammond, requesting as ordered."  
  
"Teal'c! Heya there ol' buddy ol' pal! What are you doing here? I thought you were working on that doohickey with SG..."  
  
"COLONEL O'NEILL! I don't want to have to warn you twice!"  
  
"Sorry Sir, just couldn't contain my feeling of pure joy to see Lucy here!"  
  
"I am not Lucy."  
  
"I know that Teal'c, it a reference to a..."  
  
"COLONEL!"  
  
"What is the mission?" Teal'c was always so straight forward.  
  
"I'm not sure, what I mean is Teal'c, the Major wants to show you some of the results from the tests SG-6 took of the soil and rock there."  
  
"Oh Yeah! And I would really know a lot about that - I can see why you'd want me to go on THIS mission!"  
  
"Colonel! I want you to go in case something happens! Besides, maybe you'll learn something"  
  
"Yes Jack! It could be interesting and after all, you'll have something to do right?!" Daniel seemed enthusiastic enough.  
  
"Daniel, it couldn't be any more liberating than your 'tribal' girl, Teal'c you ready?"  
  
"Indeed O'Neill"  
  
"Okay then let's GO!"  
  
**************************************************************************** ************************  
  
The three men (well the two men and one alien) stepped into the darkness on the other side. Huh? Darkness? Why would Carter request assistance in the middle of the God damn night?!  
  
"AH fer cryin' out loud! CARTER! Where the hell are they?!"  
  
"They appear to be nowhere in sight."  
  
"Thank you for your wonderful words of intelligence Teal'c" Jack quipped.  
  
"You are welcome." Teal'c bowed his head.  
  
"Ah for Pete's sake! Okay campers, move out. Let's see if we can find Carter and SG-6!"  
  
After hours of searching and yelling and tripping over (on Daniel's Behalf), SG-1 decided to camp for the night. Jack tried one last time to radio contact Carter but all he got was static. "Crap." Jack threw the radio next to their fire, "Where are they?...... Okay, it's getting late, who's going for first watch?"  
  
"I agree, I shall go first."  
  
"Why thank you Teal'c. Ah Daniel, I'll go second you go last, right?.... Daniel?"  
  
"ZZZZ... Ahh no!... I, I don't want any... Ha Ha that tickles, well okay, if you want.... SNORT!"  
  
"Well someone didn't waste any time!"  
  
"Yes indeed O'Neill, he seems to be disregarding!"  
  
"Well that would make sense, he is ASLEEP TEAL'C!"  
  
"I see."  
  
"*SIGH* Goodnight Teal'c"  
  
"It is in actual fact, almost morning."  
  
Jack lobbed a stone at Teal'c. "Would you stop doing that?"  
  
"Doing what O'Neill?"  
  
"Being such a damn.... Literal..... Straight-to-the-fact....... Walking Thesaurus!"  
  
"Is this Thesaurus, a relation to a Stegosaurus?"  
  
"AAAAHHHH! I'm going to bed!"  
  
"Good morning O'Neill."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
*******************  
  
A few hours later a blinding light appeared in the sky...  
  
"O'Neill."  
  
"What now? AHH! Turn that damn torch off Teal'c geez you're blinding me with that thing!"  
  
"O'Neill, I believe the torch is inactivated."  
  
"Well what..... The.... Hell?!!"  
  
"It is Ra's ship - I believe he is landing, we must take cover."  
  
"I agree, what the hell?! Oh come on!"  
  
Teal'c shook Daniel's shoulders. "Daniel Jackson, awaken, we must move, it is dangerous here."  
  
"Wha?! SNORT!"  
  
"WAKE UP DAN!"  
  
"Umm! Yes, *ahem*...awake now!" Daniel started to get up. "AAAAHHHHH!"  
  
"Yeah Dan we know, we know! Now get behind this bush before he sees us!"  
  
"Is...there...AH...water...there?"  
  
"I have some in my flask, now move!"  
  
"Okay.. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Daniel got up in a flurry of colours (Okay, what the hell? Colours?) And flung himself into the bush.  
  
"Put it out! PUT IT OUT!"  
  
"What? What?!" Daniel turned his butt to Jack's face, a burning inferno drubbing his behind!  
  
"Sweet Jesus Daniel!" O'Neill fumbled for his flask, but it was too late, Teal'c had already crash tackled Daniel to the ground, putting out the fire in doing so, but in a much more painful way. "Thank god Daniel, are you all right?"  
  
"Ah... I, I think so!"  
  
"Thanks Lucy ol' girl."  
  
"My name is not Lucy, I am Teal'c, O'Neill are you feeling well? I think not."  
  
"Whatever... Daniel where the hell are your glasses?"  
  
"Ahh, good question."  
  
"I am sure these belong to you Daniel Jackson." Teal's handed Daniel his glasses.  
  
"AAHHHH!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Mother Mary, they're hot!"  
  
"The ray of light generated by Ra's ship must have been magnified by Daniel Jackson's glasses therefor setting any nearby materials alight."  
  
"First thing I'm doing when I get back to the base is filling in a complaint about how un-fire safe our clothing is!"  
  
Teal'c looked up. "Ra's ship seems to be regenerating."  
  
"Ah, question....How?" Jack fanned the smoke from his face angrily.  
  
"Hey wait a minute! Wait a minute! Look!" Daniel pointed to the ship, the door were opening. All of a sudden they heard a very strange noise *THUD* *SQUISH* *THUD* *SQUISH* and it wasn't coming from the ship. Jack spun around, but there was nothing. *THUD* *SQUISH* *THUD* *SQUISH* *THUSQUISH* *THUSQUISH* Whatever it was, it was getting faster.... And louder.  
  
"OOGA WAGGA HAWP WANGA OIP ICCA SNOG ICK WACK!" [I'm going to kill that good for nothing rock!]  
  
"Daniel?"  
  
"That wasn't me.....what? I swear!"  
  
"Then who.....argg!" The three men were promptly trampled on my a horde of angry....cavemen? Daniel spat the dust out of his mouth.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"I believe it was an angry horde of barbarians."  
  
"Nah, I'd say cavemen."  
  
"They were not wearing caves O'Neill."  
  
"Sheesh! Never mind Teal'c"  
  
*******************  
  
Meanwhile (the angry horde of barbarians):  
  
"JIB WALLA WOG WAH WAB WOLLY WANG WOB?"  
  
[Haven't we met those guys before?]  
  
"WELLY WONG WIBLA WHOLLUP BID WAH BOODY?!"  
  
[What are you talking about, where?!]  
  
"WIB LOLA LING LAB LOI!"  
  
[Over there hairy elephant features!]  
  
"WOLLAH WOLLAH WANG SING MATTEB RANG ROO OH CRAP!"  
  
[Uh oh, it's those nice guys from Earth, I saw that O'Neill guy!]  
  
"WOBBO WELLA TONG WANG WOBBLA 'BUCK BUCK BUCK, CHOOK CHOOK!'"  
  
[Yes and that kind 'buck buck' flapping arm man, his name is Daniel I think.]  
  
*******************  
  
And back in the bush..... "Um, Jack why are they looking at us funny?"  
  
"I don't know but they're gonna....."  
  
*SMASH!!!!!*....WALLY!....OOGA!.....BOOGA!.....WANG!  
  
".....Crash into the ship."  
  
The barbarians/cavemen began smashing the side of Ra's ship with their clubs.  
  
"OOGA OOBA WAAA!"  
  
[This really stinks!]  
  
"OOPA MUNGA DOOWOOP KLINK!"  
  
[This is not working!]  
  
"OG WOG OH CRAP OOK OONK PUG!"  
  
[Let's get O'Neill to help us!]  
  
The cavemen started flapping their arms and clucked like chickens to get SG- 1's attention. It worked.........for a while. *ZAP!!*  
  
"Oh look, now they're dead. Typical caveman way to go!"  
  
"Jack, that wasn't nice.......Teal'c, why are you laughing?"  
  
"Those barbarians were killed by Ra's death ray. A powerful weapon."  
  
"So what's funny about it?"  
  
"They are black and no longer recognizable."  
  
"That's sick Lucy."  
  
"I am NOT Lucy!" There was an awful silence. Finally, after staring at the charred bodies of the cavemen for long enough, Jack spoke up.  
  
"What the hell is going on here?"  
  
"Wha?!"  
  
"It seems there are survivors- they have much luck, it is rarely ever a victim escapes Ra's death ray."  
  
"WABBLE WIBLAH WANKA OH CRAP!"  
  
[Help us O'Neill!]  
  
"I'd recognize that face anywhere, even if it is slightly mangled!"  
  
"Hey yeah, you're right Jack! It's Klorel and his friend with the facial hair!"  
  
"What's his name again?!"  
  
"Ahh...Mono....." "Monopolis!"  
  
"Yeah, I knew that Dan!"  
  
"WOBBLE WIBLAH WONKA 'BUK BUK BUK CHOOK CHOOK!'"  
  
[Help us Daniel!]  
  
"I believe they are requesting our assistance."  
  
"You're right Teal'c we've got to go out and help them."  
  
"NO! It's too risky, I'm not risking my team, not now after what we've seen that falsey fake god guy's weapon can do. We'd be pre-cooked...the next stop, HELL!"  
  
"I agree with O'Neill we would indeed be destroyed."  
  
"Oh but..."  
  
"NO BUT'S DANIEL!"  
  
Daniel pointed to Klorel and Monopolis, who were running towards them.  
  
"I think they're gonna make it...at least Klorel's made it!"  
  
"Welcome, I am Teal'c."  
  
"WOBBY GONG."  
  
[Greetings visitor.]  
  
Klorel then turned to face Monopolis who was still coming towards them from Ra's ship.  
  
"OGGO WOGGO SKOOT UPKNA DOOP!"  
  
[Get your butt over here!]  
  
"Oh look, Monopolis is coming over too!"  
  
"Well he'd better walk faster.........or RUN!"  
  
Klorel's eyes flashed (although SG-1 didn't see it) and he called out to Monopolis.  
  
"SKOOP!"  
  
[DIE!]  
  
"Do ya think that means run?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"What? You're the linguist, you speak 23 different languages!"  
  
"Oh okay! SKOOP! SKOOP! SKOOP!" Daniel scratched his head. "He doesn't look to happy at what we're saying."  
  
"Oh who cares Danny! SKOOP! SKOOP faster fer cryin' out loud!...... SKOOP!"  
  
"Erm, Jack that's enough."  
  
"SKOOP!"  
  
"Jack......"  
  
"SKOOP!!"  
  
"Colonel O'Neill, Monopoly appears to be dead."  
  
"SKOO....OH CRAP!"  
  
There was a hollow *plutt* noise and Teal'c looked over from where it came from. Picking an object up, he called to O'Neill.  
  
"I have recovered something O'Neill!" Teal'c turned the object around in his hands. "It appears to be a helmet of some kind, it has been excellently crafted if it was to survive such a strike."  
  
"OOHH! NOOOO! Boo Hoo hoo! This was Monopolis' helmet!" Daniel hugged the object.  
  
Klorel smiled on the inside......  
  
"MONO SKOOP!" [Monopolis is dead!]  
  
And then changed.....  
  
"LEG BOTTO RA!"  
  
[Let us kill Ra!]  
  
"What the hell's he saying chicken man?"  
  
"Ah.....according to ancient...."  
  
"SCREW ANCIENT, I mean NOW!"  
  
"OKAY, OKAY, Um.... I'm not sure, I think it means.....destroy Ra?"  
  
"That is an excellent idea Daniel Jackson."  
  
Klorel turned to Teal'c (once again having a flashing eye moment).  
  
"GOOBLEY GOB YOB!"  
  
[Now you black snake head!]  
  
Teal'c looked puzzled.  
  
"SKOOP YOB!"  
  
[Die snake head!]  
  
Daniel had no idea what he was saying. "Yes!" Daniel nodded his head.  
  
"All right, but we'll need to send a message to General Hammond first."  
  
"Do we?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Well Ra is a big threat...."  
  
"Ya think!" "...and we don't really want to kill off a whole stack of SGC members in the process of us killing him so....."  
  
"Okay okay, screw it let's go!'  
  
"Quit it with that word Jack!"  
  
"Whatever.......you with us Teal'c?"  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"Good.... OOGA BOOGA man (aka Klorel)?"  
  
"YUG!"  
  
[Yes!]  
  
"Okay on the count of three..... One.....two........three!"  
  
*CLUB CLUB CLUB!!*  
  
"AAAAAARRRGGHHH!"  
  
"Teal'c?" Jack and Daniel turned towards Teal'c.  
  
"Ho brother! WHAT THE HELL..... ARE.... YOU.....DOING?"  
  
"OOGA OOGA RAAAAA!"  
  
[He must pay!]  
  
"SPOGGA WOG TUG NOCK!"  
  
[I must kill him!]  
  
"Daniel, what is he saying? Why is he clubbing Teal'c to death?"  
  
"I already told you I don't speak their language!"  
  
*DIT DIT SCHEWW!*...........*CRASH!*  
  
Teal'c zatted Klorel and he hit the ground.  
  
"He is only stunned although I was tempted to slay him, however it would not be correct."  
  
"THAT'S CRAP TEAL'C! If he comes at you one more time, I order you to fry OOGA BOOGA right out of his ar**!"  
  
"O'Neill?"  
  
"Teal'c I gave you an order!"  
  
"Yes O'Neill."  
  
Jack stood up. "I think we need a little energy before we start staring into KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE territory!"  
  
"Well where was that village? I think it was that way."  
  
"Okay we're moving out. Teal'c, you stunned him, you drag him."  
  
*******************  
  
The sun (or more correctly, two suns) rose above the horizon, creating a blinding heat in minutes. They thought they would never make it until they saw one of those friendly, slobbery, hairy elephants.  
  
"Woa NO! Keep that thing away from me!"  
  
*SLOBBER SLOBBER.........PARP!*  
  
"That didn't sound good!" Daniel bent down to look under the elephant thingy's stomach.  
  
"Ah Danny...."  
  
"Yes Jack."  
  
"HIT THE DECK!"  
  
*BOOM!*  
  
They sat up. Daniel was covered from head to toe in elephant goop.  
  
"Yuck Daniel, didn't I tell you NOT to use that horrid after-shave?"  
  
"Ha ha very funny."  
  
"It appears that the creature was rigged with a bomb of some sort. Most likely Ra's doing."  
  
"That's mean!" Daniel started to wipe his face clean. Teal'c looked to the sky. This planet's day/night cycle was very short!  
  
"We should get going, it will soon be dark."  
  
"Yep, let's move it....Daniel? What's the matter chicken boy?"  
  
"FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT A CHICKEN! AND SECOND OF ALL, we've got to give this thing a service."  
  
"What do you mean a service? Like house cleaning? 'Cause that really wouldn't be handy right now."  
  
"NOOOOOOO!"  
  
"O'Neill, I think what Daniel Jackson was referring to a farewell and burial service of some form."  
  
"WHAT?! It's an ELEPHANT! Come on!"  
  
"Fine, be like that! INSENSITIVE!"  
  
"Oh come off it! You didn't even bother burying Mono-what's his face."  
  
" I shall repeat what I have said earlier. It is becoming dark."  
  
"I agree! Ahh... I mean yes Teal'c, right on my man!" SG-1 walked for a while until they came to what looked like the outskirts of a town. Daniel picked up a large stone.  
  
"Wow, this looks just like that....."  
  
"'Tribal Girl' in your photo?"  
  
"Jack, don't be an ass! It looks Greek, but I can't be sure in this light."  
  
"Danny, put the rock down, let's go!"  
  
"It's not a rock, it's an artifact!"  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"O'Neill!" Teal'c pointed to a small group of uniformed people inside the village.  
  
"It looks like SG-6."  
  
"Is Sam with them?"  
  
"Can't tell. Let's move. Be quiet!" SG-1 moved down the hill to the outside gates of the village. There was a man standing there and he almost looked like he was guarding the entrance.  
  
"Hey, hey you, open the gate will ya?!" The man stared blankly at O'Neill.  
  
"Hey, hello are you hearing me?! We just wanna find our friends okay?" Again, the man looked almost like a stone statue (as he only moved to scratch).  
  
"Ahh, O'Neill."  
  
"Yes Teal'c."  
  
"I believe this man cannot see you."  
  
"What do you mean he can't see me? I've been standing in front of him for almost 10 minutes now!"  
  
"No Jack, I think what Teal'c is saying is this guy's eyes are totally grey and his pupils are white."  
  
"Yeah. So what's he tryin' to say that for?"  
  
"Jack, the man is BLIND!"  
  
"WHAT?! I knew that, I was just checking that you were thinking. You know I do that a lot."  
  
"Yeah...... umm why don't we just....."  
  
"Why the HELL would you put a blind man out here to guard a village?!"  
  
"Ahhem! Yeah well Jack, you know blind people have very sharp hearing, and in some civilizations they are believed to have a sixth sense, kinda like a psychic ability."  
  
"Daniel Jackson, in this case I believe what you're saying is incorrect."  
  
"Why, what's the problem?"  
  
"This man is not only blind, he is deaf also."  
  
"There, there! Ya see?! What did I tell you? Daniel, this guy is useless!" Daniel looked at the man.  
  
"Yeah Jack, but he's got his hand on the lock doohickey and a very nasty looking...um...weapon in his hands. He'd probably shoot us when we try to break the lock."  
  
Jack looked at Daniel, and then at Teal'c.  
  
"Teal'c?" Jack started.  
  
"I understand O'Neill." Teal'c reached behind him.  
  
"What? What are you doing? Jack, Teal'c WHAT....."  
  
*DIT DIT SCHEWW!*  
  
*FLOP*  
  
"JACK.......... TEAL'C! That wasn't the best move!"  
  
"And why not?" "Because if anyone inside the village heard that, they wouldn't be very happy."  
  
"Oh I don't care! Let's just get inside and look for SG-6!"  
  
SG-1 broke the lock on the gate and pushed their way into their way into the busy village.  
  
"Great! How are we supposed to find anyone in here?"  
  
"Easy... CARTER?! THIS IS YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER O'NEILL! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"  
  
The whole village paused and stared at O'Neill and the others. Daniel stepped in. "Ahh, have you seen any travelers that are wearing these clothes and ahh, a woman with, with a weapon... ahh ... BANG BANG?!" The villagers looked around at each other, and all of a sudden started...  
  
"BANG BANG BANG!!"  
  
"Ah yes, ha-have you seen them?"  
  
"BANG BANG BANG!"  
  
"Well that was helpful Dan." Jack walked up to the crowd. "Do you people understand... ENGLISH?!"  
  
The people suddenly looked terrified.  
  
"Jack, you're scaring them! Let me try." Daniel walked up to the stunned villagers. "My name is Daniel Jackson." He said, pointing to himself. "D..an..ie..l Ja...ck..son." He said slower. Just about every person in the crowd started shaking. "And this is Jack O............"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Every person started running around, tripping over stands and other people on their way.  
  
"Good one Danny! I scared them, but you scared the HELL out of them!"  
  
"Well it was your name that struck fear in their hearts!"  
  
"Good, every time we're in trouble, just say my name and they'll run for their lives!"  
  
Daniel rolled his eyes.  
  
"Let's start looking for Sam."  
  
"Right."  
  
SG-1 started making their way through the village. People ran when they saw them and Jack was getting sick of it.  
  
"ALL RIGHT! Teal'c, on my mark we're gonna start zatting people!"  
  
"WHAT? Jack no! You can't do that!"  
  
"And why is that?"  
  
"Well, I did pass maths at school and well frankly, there are about three hundred to one here, which means we might end up being a hairy elephant thing's breakfast!"  
  
"I'll take my chances!"  
  
"O'Neill, I agree with Daniel Jackson, we may...."  
  
"Teal'c, I give the orders, and YOU follow them!"  
  
"Indeed O'Neill."  
  
"Okay Teal'c.... Daniel, go stand behind that rock..."  
  
"But why?..."  
  
"You know why, now move!"  
  
Daniel glumly stood behind his designated rock. Jack was always trying to protect him. He sighed. "I'm getting myself a pass to the gym."  
  
"Ready Teal'c......one......."  
  
"Colonel!"  
  
"...two..."  
  
"Sir!"  
  
"...three..."  
  
"Uh oh!"  
  
*ZAT ZAT ZAT ZAT ZAT ZAT!*  
  
"C'mon Teal'c, I know you're missing on purpose!"  
  
"I am merely trying to make them run."  
  
"Well quit it and ZAT them!"  
  
"SIR!!"  
  
Jack spun around at the sound of his name and....... pulled the trigger!  
  
"Oh CRAP!"  
  
" I believe that was not good O'Neill."  
  
"What gives you that idea?"  
  
Daniel came out from behind his rock. "See! I told you didn't I?! Now you've gone and zatted Sam!"  
  
"It was only once, she'll get over it!"  
  
"RIIIIGHT, and where have you put Klorel?"  
  
"He's amongst all these people, we won't find him."  
  
"GREEEAAAT!"  
  
"O'Neill, I believe we have a problem." An army, well not an army but it seemed that way to SG-1 and SG-6 (who had just joined the group). They were out numbered by goa'uld and well Jaffa (snake people). *JUD JUD JUD*  
  
"We have a problem do we?"  
  
"Yes O'Neill, I believe that is correct."  
  
"OH CRAP!"  
  
The Jaffa had spotted SG-1 and SG-6.  
  
"OH CRAP, CRAP, CRAP!" Jack looked at SG-6 (or a very odd looking group of scientists).  
  
"What are those four-eyes doing? Oh god! they've crapped their pants!" (literally!)  
  
"Yes O'Neill I think maybe we should direct them to join Daniel Jackson."  
  
"Well I'm not touching them!, Come one people!"  
  
"I agree O'Neill."  
  
"Well how are we gonna get them to move?"  
  
"I may have an idea."  
  
"I'm right behind ya big guy." O'Neill and Teal'c walked up to the smelly scientists.  
  
"OKAY, MOVE IT YA BIG CRAP IN MY PANTS FOUR EYES, OR ELSE!"  
  
"Or else what ?" Those scientists have always been 'know-it-alls'.  
  
O'Neill and Teal'c pulled out their zat guns...  
  
"Or else ZAT! That's what!........... Now MOVE IT!"  
  
"W..w..what if we just talked to them?"  
  
"Talked to them? Talked to...." O'Neill pointed to the oncoming Jaffa. "...THEM?!!"  
  
"R..r..right ....t....that would be suicide."  
  
"Damn right it would! Let's go!"  
  
The scientists and SG-1 ran for their lives. Passing stalls and jumping over O'Neill's earlier zat victims.  
  
"Geez! Look out four eyed campers! I'm sick of being downwind of you while I'm running.... You STINK!!"  
  
Jack sped up and overtook the scientists. "Erm Jack?"  
  
"Not now Daniel, can't you see we're busy right now?"  
  
"But it's important!"  
  
"So is staying alive!"  
  
"We left her back there!"  
  
"Left who?"  
  
"Ah...Major Carter!"  
  
"Ooooh......... CRAP!" All 7 men stopped in their tracks.  
  
"Major Carter will need our assistance, Daniel Jackson is correct."  
  
"Yeah umm, Daniel you take these happy little campers out of range and Teal'c and I will go back and get Carter."  
  
"WHAT?! Jack you're leaving me here with the stinky skunk features?!"  
  
"They're not that bad."  
  
"MOTHER MARY JACK! THEY REEK!"  
  
"You're right, I ORDER YOU!"  
  
"DRAT!"  
  
*******************  
  
"Great, we're here but where the hell is Carter?"  
  
"I believe that is her."  
  
"OH CRAP! CRAP CRAP DOUBLE CRAP!" Major Carter was being taken to Ra's pyramid by some of the Jaffa troops.  
  
"HOLY COW, we must stop this, but how?! God damn it, I mean, but in what way?! This is not good! NOT GOOD I TELL YOU!"  
  
"Colonel O'Neill, I suggest you stop pacing and call on Daniel Jackson and SG-6 for assistance."  
  
"SG-6?! Have you seen them?, they're four eyed...."  
  
"As is Daniel Jackson."  
  
"....wimpy, pathetic, dirty pants!"  
  
"I understand, but we must formulate a plan to aid in Major Carter's rescue."  
  
"*SIGH* I s'pose they'd be an okay...erm... DISTRACTION!" O'Neill triumphantly threw his hands up. "That's it! HEY STINKY SCIENTISTS! COME OVER HERE!" The scientists obliged. But Daniel stayed behind.  
  
"DANIEL!"  
  
"YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME THAT YOU'VE CLASSED ME AS A FOUR EYED STINKY SCIENTIST!"  
  
"DANIEL!!"  
  
"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!...I'm coming." Once SG-6 and Daniel had joined the group, they started brainstorming.  
  
"I suggest we use a surprise attack."  
  
"Yeah that's just what I was going to say."  
  
"I, ah, ha, um... maybe we should surround them a.. and, ah, stun them or whatever you people do."  
  
"Well thanks for your brilliant IDE-ASSS! but Teal'c and I are trying to THINK!"  
  
"Actually O'Neill, that maybe a helpful plan. It may be sufficient."  
  
"And if it ISN'T?!"  
  
"We will most probably be destroyed."  
  
"Oh well that's GREAT NEWS!, so you're telling me I'm putting my life in a bunch of senseless four-eyed fossil featured freaks! And to make it even better, their plan probably won't even WORK!"  
  
"Jack, do you have any other ideas?"  
  
"No, but anything would be better than that! *SIGH*....alright, Daniel go create a distraction!"  
  
"ME!!"  
  
"Yes, have a PROBLEM?"  
  
"Well, ye..."  
  
"THAT'S AN ORDER!"  
  
"Oohh!" Daniel gave in. "What am I supposed to do then?"  
  
"I don't know just THINK of something!"  
  
"FINE!"  
  
Daniel ducked behind a bush. "What is he doing?"  
  
"I am unsure."  
  
Jack looked at the scientists. "Don't s'pose any of you 'fine' people know what my buddy's up to?"  
  
"Gee...uh, I don't know Sir. Daniel's a mastermind. You should be proud to have him on your team Sir."  
  
"Master WHAT?"  
  
"I believe he said mastermind O'Neill."  
  
"You've got to be kidding me!" Jack grabbed one of the scientists shoulders and shook him. "Tell me you're joking! TELL ME THAT DANIEL IS..."  
  
"O'NEILL!"  
  
"OH MY GOD! DANIEL! YOU IDIOT!" Daniel ran past the Jaffa.... stark naked!"  
  
"Daniel you're crazy! They'll blow you to pieces, or blow pieces off you!"  
  
"O'Neill, I believe the distraction is working."  
  
"Did it have to be so embarrassing?"  
  
"I wouldn't have thought it to, to be embarrassing exactly Sir, *ahem*"  
  
"SSHH! You think that's something to be proud of?"  
  
"*COUGH* Er, whatever you say Sir."  
  
Daniel turned back to his group. "YOU GUYS!!"  
  
"Oh, Daniel, come on Teal'c let's get this show on the road!" Daniel hurriedly put his clothes back on. "C'mon Daniel."  
  
"We're not going inside it are we?"  
  
"Well we can't exactly HELP Carter if we stand out here!"  
  
"I know that but, but........ Oh boy!"  
  
"What now Daniel?"  
  
"SG-6, erm... They've gone!"  
  
"Are they dead Daniel Jackson?"  
  
"No Teal'c." Daniel pointed up a mountain. "They're running away."  
  
"Oh this is GREAT! Daniel, it looks like you're gonna have to be the main dis....ah.... Attraction."  
  
"No WAY! And if you breathe a word of my earlier performance to Sam, or anyone else for that matter.... I'll KILL YOU!"  
  
"Fine, let's just get inside!"  
  
SG-1 slowly advanced towards the ship and snuck inside. "What the hell?"  
  
"O'Neill, I think the correct answer is Klorel."  
  
"I know it's Klorel!!"  
  
"If you knew it was Klorel, O'Neill, why did you not say so?"  
  
"AH FORGET IT!"  
  
"What's he doing here?"  
  
"I don't know Daniel, but I have a felling we're gonna find out."  
  
"Yeah, so do I."  
  
"AH CRAP! Why do I have to be right all the time?"  
  
Klorel interrupted their conversation. "YOU WILL PAY FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE TO ME!"  
  
"Jack! He's a........a..."  
  
"Yeah Daniel, I know, he's a snake head!"  
  
"THAT IS CORRECT! I AM SKA'ARA! I AM IN CONTROL OF THE HOST YOU CALL KLOREL BUT HE IS NO LONGER HERE!"  
  
"That's not true! Klorel's in there somewhere. I know he is!" Daniel yelled.  
  
"YOU WILL BECOME MY PERSONAL SLAVES!"  
  
"No we will NOT!"  
  
"Cool it Daniel." Jack hushed.  
  
"YOU WILL, OR I WILL KILL MAJOR CARTER!"  
  
"Oh crap." Jack squeaked. Klorel laughed.  
  
"FIRSTLY, YOU WILL BEAR THE SCAR OF YOUR JAFFA FRIEND!"  
  
"Oh crap!"  
  
Daniel turned to Teal'c. "But it doesn't hurt right Teal'c?"  
  
"That is incorrect Daniel Jackson."  
  
"Oh CRAP!"  
  
"Ahh, sweet mother o' Mary..."  
  
"DANIEL!"  
  
Thinking of the pain Ska'ara was planning to inflict on them, Daniel fainted, falling to the ground with a *CRASH*!  
  
"Daniel Jackson, you are unwell?"  
  
"Nah Teal'c, what the hell did they teach you at Jaffa school?"  
  
"O'Neill.." Teal'c raised his left eye brow, "I do not know your meaning...I did not have an education on how to become a Jaffa."  
  
"EXPRESSION! Ever heard of the word Teal'c?!!"  
  
"That I have O'Neill."  
  
"GEEZ!"  
  
"Zzz... WOA! I don't think that's appropriate!... No, come on.... NO.....No..... PUT THOSE AWAY!"  
  
"Snap out of it Daniel!!"  
  
"I agree."  
  
"Danny boy! You're scaring Teal'c here! He's doing that whole 'I agree' thing. I know he does that when he's scared!"  
  
"Are you afraid O'Neill?"  
  
"Erm, no.....that's not the point! Daniel..... WAKE UP!"  
  
"I CONCUR!"  
  
Daniel sat up abruptly. "Woa! Hey why are you screaming at me Teal'c?"  
  
"You were asleep and was most definitely scaring O'Neill with your speech."  
  
"He was not scaring me!"  
  
"Oh, sorry Jack."  
  
"You were NOT scaring me!"  
  
"SILENCE!"  
  
"But he is...." Jack pointed at Klorel, and then at Daniel, "Anyway, that was no speech!"  
  
"What did I say?"  
  
"I believe it was something to do with being appropriate Daniel Jackson."  
  
"Maybe that's what you believe Teal'c, but the truth is, Danny boy here is taking a 10 minute break to get dirty while we face being fried alive 'alla Colonel Sanders' over there!"  
  
"SILENCE! YOU WILL OBEY!"  
  
"Oh we will will we........oh."  
  
Klorel aka Ska'ara was standing next to Carter. "Sir, with all due respect, thanks for leaving me BEHIND!"  
  
"Carter, look....I'll make it up to you, I promise!"  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
Ska'ara backhanded Sam for speaking. "NOW! YOU TWO WILL GO THROUGH PAIN BEFORE GIVING YOUR LOYALTY TO ME!"  
  
"Hey! What about Teal'c?"  
  
"HIS TIME WILL COME!"  
  
"And Sam?" Daniel added.  
  
"AS WILL HERS. NOW PREPARE!"  
  
Ska'ara turned to his guards and took a weird looking object from them. It was long and sharp with a red jewel on the end.  
  
"KNEEL BEFORE ME!"  
  
"After you Daniel!"  
  
"No, no, after you Jack."  
  
"CHOOSE YOUR VICTIM, WHICH ONE OF YOU WILL IT BE? O'NEILL, OR DANIEL?!"  
  
"I will...scared am I?!"  
  
"Thanks Jack!"  
  
One of the guards walked over to Jack and forced him on his knees. Ska'ara wiped Jack's forehead and pressed the weird object to his head.  
  
"AHHH CRAP!!!!"  
  
"HOT O'NEILL? HA HA HA!"  
  
"Oh no..."  
  
Daniel fainted...again. Teal'c shook his shoulders.  
  
***********************  
  
"Daniel Jackson, please awaken."  
  
"Zzz.... OW!..... Ouch... HELP ME!!"  
  
"DANIEL JACKSON!"  
  
"Huh...whah?..Teal'c! You just saved my life!" "I only awakened you Daniel Jackson."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"You have been unconscious for a long time."  
  
"How long?"  
  
"A few hours Danny boy!"  
  
"JACK!"  
  
"Yes I'm fine. You don't need to ask ...."  
  
"Oh but I do! What are we doing in this cell?"  
  
"We were thrown in here?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Erm, Teal'c, ah...he....nutted the guy."  
  
"Oh..... Ouch!"  
  
"Ah....yeah!" Suddenly, they heard a loud scream.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"I don't think so, it came from behind us somewhere."  
  
"Deja-vu!"  
  
"HELP ME! HELP ME!, I'LL HELP YOU IF YOU HELP ME!!"  
  
A very weird looking man appeared from the other side of the cell. "What's wrong? And who are you?"  
  
"My name is Orlin."  
  
"What are you here for?"  
  
"Klorel and I used to be best friends until he BETRAYED ME! He tried to turn me into a goa'uld!"  
  
"That isn't Klorel, it's Ska'ara, he's taken over Klorel's body."  
  
"But why the hell were you friends with Klorel? You're not from his world!"  
  
"That's right, I travelled with you when you visited my world, after coming through the Stargate, when you came to this planet, I followed you."  
  
"Ah...that's rude!"  
  
"It seemed appropriate at the time."  
  
"At the time?" Jack eyed him.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well how did you do it without us seeing you?" Daniel scratched his head.  
  
"I am able to turn myself invisible with a special device that I own, however it was taken from me upon arriving here."  
  
"Right..." Jack stood up, "well, we'd better find a way out of here."  
  
"Oh, I'll help!" Daniel leapt to his feet, causing his head to hit the roof, hard. To everyone's amazement, it went right through!  
  
"Sweet Jesus Daniel!"  
  
"Hey!" Daniel called. "I found a way out!"  
  
"Geez!" Jack pulled Daniel down. "Let's make the hole bigger... Teal'c, lend me your head."  
  
"O'Neill?"  
  
"Just do it!"  
  
"O'Neill, I understand, I have seen this on your television."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Nike, am I not correct?"  
  
"No you are not! Stand under the hole!"  
  
Teal'c obliged  
  
"Now JUMP!"  
  
"O'Neill?"  
  
"That's an order!"  
  
*CRASH* Jack slapped Teal'c on the back, "That should be big enough!"  
  
"I agree."  
  
"Let's get outta here!, a lotta help you were Orlin!"  
  
SG-1 jumped out of the hole and started their search for Sam. "Carter!!" SG- 1 walked the corridors of Ra's ship.  
  
"HELP ME!" SG-1 jumped in surprise.  
  
"Orlin! SHUT UP! Nothing's going to hurt you!"  
  
"Ah, Jack, what about them?" Daniel pointed to the group of Jaffa heading towards them.  
  
"Tau'ri Kree!"  
  
"No! YOU KREE!" Jack spat.  
  
"Smart move Jack!"  
  
The Jaffa stared firing their staff weapons. Yellow blobbish zats flew past the team.  
  
"Right, we're gonna have to run for it!"  
  
Jack edged his way out of their hiding place.  
  
"Orlin, my mum always said that you had to face your fears sooooo... You go first!" Jack pushed Orlin in front of him.  
  
"Nooo! Don't do this!"  
  
They kept going. *BOOM BOOM ZAT*  
  
SG-1 miraculously made it past the Jaffa.  
  
"Hey! We made it! Orlin, you okay?"  
  
"................."  
  
"Orlin?"  
  
"He appears to be dead."  
  
They looked at Orlin. He had staff blast wounds all over his chest.  
  
"CRAP!...oh well, he came in handy after all!" O'Neill looked up. "Hey, look over there, whaddya think?"  
  
Two Jaffa were guarding a room with a silver door, it couldn't have been Ra's throne room, because his door was all fancy.  
  
"It's gotta be Sam!"  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"Well, we don't have Orlin as our shield anymore so......"  
  
"O'Neill."  
  
"Hang on, go back, back, back... Orlin, we can use Orlin!!" Jack picked up Orlin's body and stared running towards the Jaffa. The Jaffa drew their weapons but Jack kept running until he knocked them over, then Teal'c finished them off by...  
  
*WHACK!*  
  
"Umm, Teal'c!"  
  
"They appear to be dead."  
  
"What makes you think that?!!"  
  
"It appears that their skulls are crushed, there is much blood."  
  
"I'm gonna be sick!!"  
  
"Not now Daniel, we have to get Carter and get outta here. Then you can chuck!"  
  
Daniel groaned and clutched his stomach as they opened the door to the cell.  
  
"Carter?"  
  
"UP HERE!"  
  
They looked up. "Don't just stand there Sir! Get me down!"  
  
Sam was hanging awkwardly from the ceiling by her wrists. "Ha! This should be pretty easy!" Jack reached for his knife.  
  
"Oh no Sir, please, don't do that!"  
  
"Quiet Carter, I'm trying to aim!"  
  
"You're gonna take my hand off Sir, I know you will!"  
  
"Don't be stupid, hold still!" Jack aimed with one eye, "One...two...UP!"  
  
*WHUP WHUP WHUP!*  
  
"AHHHH!"  
  
*ZAP!* Teal'c had picked up one of the guards' weapons and shot the knife off course.  
  
"TEAL'C!"  
  
"Yes O'Neill."  
  
"WHATCHA DO THAT FOR?! That was going right on target!"  
  
"I disagree."  
  
"THANK YOU TEAL'C!"  
  
"You are welcome Major Carter!"  
  
"WHAT?! DOESN'T ANYONE TRUST ME?"  
  
There was an awful silence.  
  
"AH CRAP!"  
  
"Sir, you've gotta climb up those steps!" Cater motioned to the wall.  
  
"What steps?...."  
  
Daniel had just finished deciphering an ancient dialect and had followed a set of instructions to reveal the steps Sam was talking about.  
  
"GREAT!" Jack threw his hands up in defeat. "Now I have to climb all..."  
  
"Three million, two hundred and eighty five steps....Sir."  
  
"How LONG have you been up there?"  
  
"Long enough Sir."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Hurry up Jack!"  
  
"Why me?"  
  
"'Cause you're the big mouthed spaz who can't even throw a knife straight!"  
  
"Oh really well...."  
  
"Sir!"  
  
"Why don't you throw...."  
  
"COLONEL!"  
  
"Your knife up there and......."  
  
"HEY!!"  
  
"Get her down yourself!"  
  
"EXCUUUSE ME!"  
  
"Fine, I will!"  
  
"COL...Oh no! Daniel, please! I'm begging you!"  
  
"Look Sam, I won't look when I throw it okay!"  
  
"Daniel?"  
  
"One....."  
  
"NO! Daniel!, Sir... HELP!"  
  
"Two..."  
  
"I don't wanna die like this!"  
  
"THREE!"  
  
Sam winced as Daniel threw his knife.........and fell!  
  
"HOLY HANNAH! SOMEBODY CATCH ME!"  
  
"Indeed."  
  
Teal'c, staying perfectly still, put his arms out.  
  
"AHHHHHHH!"  
  
*SMACK!*  
  
Sam landed safely in Teal'c arms.  
  
"Oh, thanks again Teal'c."  
  
"Once again, you are welcome."  
  
"Let's get outta here!"  
  
"Sir, haven't you forgotten something?"  
  
"Oh yeah, my knife, thanks Carter."  
  
"No, not the damn knife! Sorry Sir, but you forgot Klorel!"  
  
"Oh yeah, well that's just a minor set back!"  
  
"O'Neill, I think Klorel is most probably, a major part of this mission."  
  
"AH CRAM IT LUCY!"  
  
"I am NOT lucy!" Teal'c zatted O'Neill.  
  
"Teal'c! What the hell did you do that for?"  
  
"O'Neill has been testing his patience with me for some time now. I was merely putting an end to it." Teal'c aimed the zat at O'Neill once more.  
  
"What the hell? Teal'c....NOT AGAIN! That'll kill him!"  
  
"Major Carter, I request that you remain silent until I am finished."  
  
"No I will not! Daniel! Help me here!"  
  
*DIT DIT SCHEWW... FLOP* Daniel zatted Teal'c with another zat gun.  
  
"That'll do chicken, that'll do!"  
  
"Shut up Sam it's not funny!"  
  
O'Neill started to wake up.  
  
"Colonel, are you okay?"  
  
"I'm fine, let's go and kill that no good sonofabitch Ska'ara!"  
  
"What about Teal'c"  
  
"Leave him here, we'll get him on the way back."  
  
They left Teal'c in the room and proceeded out of the door, but....  
  
"TRIED TO ESCAPE?! WELL YOU DIDN'T GET FAR!"  
  
"Oh, damn it! CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP er!"  
  
"WELL O'NEILL, I SEE YOUR LITTLE FRIEND DIDN'T SEEM TO MAKE IT!" He said, gesturing towards Orlin. "OH, DON'T BE SAD YOU WILL BE JOINING HIM VERY SOON!"  
  
"I disagree!"  
  
"Teal'c!" Teal'c was awake and had grabbed Klorel's symbiote and was strangling it to death. *SCREECH SCREECH!*  
  
"Die treacherous snake!"  
  
"Settle down Teal'c old boy!"  
  
"Do not worry O'Neill, it appears to be dead."  
  
"GREAT!"  
  
"Well Sir what about Klorel?"  
  
"Ah, what about him?!" "SIR!"  
  
"All right sheech!, Teal'c you knocked him out, you drag him."  
  
"Ah Jack?"  
  
"Yes Daniel."  
  
"Could we stay here a little longer? I just want to get some of the ancient goa'uld character sketches off the walls and maybe take some pictures?!"  
  
"Dan, must I remind you that there are hundreds more of those snakey Jaffas around here! Not to mention all those angry villagers we zatted and there's one more thing... Umm what was it again?, oh yeah, the fact that there's some loonie who thinks he's a god, running around here with a DEATH RAY!"  
  
"Does that mean no?"  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Okay let's skidaddle guys!"  
  
***********************  
  
SG-1 had journeyed for a whole day before they reached the Stargate, it was getting dark, and Teal'c had spotted something up ahead. "Where are my zoom- god-damn lenses?"  
  
"I have a pair Sir." Carter handed them to O'Neill.  
  
"Ok, what the? It's those Geo-geeks and they're hostages! The Jaffa must have been guarding the gate!"  
  
"Hey look! It's Colonel O'Neill!"  
  
The scientists started waving their arms frantically.  
  
"He's come to rescue us!"  
  
"Save us...SAVE US!"  
  
O'Neill rolled his eyes.  
  
"I'm thinkn' we just leave them there........"  
  
"Uh, Sir, if we don't rescue SG-6, those Jaffa are going to guarding the gate still........"  
  
"Yeah Jack, how do we get home then?"  
  
"I concur"  
  
"Right.....So we're rescuing the Geo freaks and then going home."  
  
"How?"  
  
"I don't know Daniel, maybe you should come up with something for once!"  
  
"I came up with the last idea!" Jack scowled at Daniel.  
  
"Fine.......I think I have an idea....."  
  
"That doesn't include taking your clothes off and streaking........you've already scarred me for life!" Sam raised her eyebrows at Daniel.  
  
"Get lost Sam! You'd be dead if it weren't for me!"  
  
"All right, all right.......on with your plan then." Daniel turned to Jack.  
  
"Besides I told you NOT to say anything about that!"  
  
Jack smirked. "Eh, Whatever!"  
  
Daniel gave up and decided to rattle off his plan.  
  
"Well Teal'c, I was thinking that you could surrender and then, well tell them you serve Apophis therefor creating a distraction......"  
  
"You do realise that these are Ra's guards not Apophis's......."  
  
"I know that Sam. Where was I, oh yeah.. creating a distraction while Jack and Sam clobber them which in conclusion would be leaving us time to escape.....yeah, that's it." Daniel looked pretty pleased with himself while the rest of the team stood there dumbstruck.  
  
"So what you're basically saying is that we do all the work while you watch?!!" Teal'c seemed to be getting frustrated as well.  
  
"I once again, concur."  
  
"Yeah Daniel.....you chicken......CRAP!" Jack realised that they were running out of time.  
  
"Well this time.....I concur."  
  
Jack looked at Sam. "Are you feeling okay Major?" He put his hand on Carter's forehead.  
  
"I mean, you did have a long fall back there."  
  
She swatted at O'Neill's hand. "I'm fine.... and I have an idea."  
  
"Great..the loony major has an idea."  
  
"Shut it Daniel, what's your plan Major?" Sam opened her cupped hands a little.  
  
"What the hell have you got there?"  
  
"It's some kind of mammal, probably native to this planet."  
  
"Yeah so?"  
  
"So, watch Sir."  
  
Carter stood up slowly and advanced towards the Jaffa.  
  
"Is she crazy? She's going to get herself killed!"  
  
"Indeed" Teal'c raised his staff weapon slightly. "These Jaffa will not be entertained by a small native animal."  
  
"Shhhh, wait wait! Look!" Sam opened her hands and threw the creature (which resembled a field mouse only it was blue) onto the ground and it whizzed off in the direction of the scientists.  
  
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!" The scientists were terrified by the animal and started screaming, hitting and kicking as it darted around their legs. The Jaffa were caught off guard by this unpleasant surprise and tried to restrain the frantic Geo-troopers.....with no luck whatsoever.  
  
"Ooof!"  
  
"Ow!"  
  
*BANG*  
  
"Gack!"  
  
*CRASH*  
  
The scientists, in their desperate attempt to flee from the mouse, had taken out all the Jaffa, just by slapping them unconscious!  
  
"Much better than your plan Danny Boy!"  
  
"Cram it Jack!"  
  
"Hey that's my line, and don't you forget it!"  
  
"Hey that's my line.........me me me me!"  
  
"DAN, CRAM IT!"  
  
"Okay..." Daniel pushed his glasses back up to the top of his nose.  
  
"Hey! I could use some help over here guys!" Jack spun around, the scientists were screaming at the top of their voices.  
  
"Teal'c."  
  
"I agree O'Neill, I shall attend to it."  
  
"Jack, Teal'c! Not again, you've got to stop this!!"  
  
*Dit Dit Schrewww!* ZAP ZAP ZAP  
  
"No, no Jack stop, you can't just zat them every time they get on your.." *ZAP*  
  
"O'Neill, I believe you have.."  
  
"I know what I just did Teal'c!"  
  
"Oh, I understand"  
  
"Just don't tell Daniel I did!"  
  
"May I speak freely O'Neill?"  
  
"As always Teal'c"  
  
"I believe you "zapped" Daniel Jackson, therefore you must drag him."  
  
"Teal'c just for that comment, you can drag BOTH of them!"  
  
"Sir, if we want to get Klorel back, we've got to get him to Earth!"  
  
"Okay, step on it Teal'c!"  
  
"Hmm... Indeed." Teal'c raised his eyebrow and walked on, dragging Klorel and Daniel behind him.  
  
"God he's slow." Jack mumbled, "I said step on it!!"  
  
O'Neill turned to Carter to help her with the freshly zapped members of SG- 6.  
  
"You drag that ugly guy and I'll drag these two, equally grotesque.....people back to Earth."  
  
"Yes Sir."  
  
*CRUNCH*  
  
C.O. and 2.I.C. turned towards the Gate.  
  
"TEAL'C! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS TIME?!!!"  
  
Teal'c looked blankly at O'Neill. "I was merely following orders O'Neill."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"You ordered me to, "step on it" O'Neill, I believed that by saying "it" you were referring to Daniel Jackson and Klorel."  
  
"Sir, Teal'c's been jumping on Daniel, but he's got no broken bones!"  
  
"How the hell can that be?"  
  
"I don't know Sir."  
  
"Well what was that all-mighty mega crunch we heard?"  
  
Sam held up Daniel's glasses.  
  
"OH!.........OF COURSE!" Jack slapped Teal'c across the face. "That, was for taking things too literally! Right, now let's go home.....CAPEESH!" Sam dialed the Stargate for Earth.  
  
"Ready Sir?"  
  
"As I ever will be."  
  
"Teal'c?"  
  
"I believe so O'Neill."  
  
"Let's go then!"  
  
*BlOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP*  
  
Finally, SG-1 and SG-6 were safely back on Earth.  
  
"Okay, everyone's back....HUH?"  
  
*BLOOP*  
  
A strange looking animal emerged from the Stargate.  
  
"It's one of those hairy elephant things!"  
  
Sam looked at the creature's strange face, she noticed that it was wearing a collar and tag. It read: "Telfo"  
  
"Telfo?"  
  
"You think that's it's name?"  
  
"Maybe!"  
  
"Well, you can't keep it Carter."  
  
"What are we going to do with it then?"  
  
General Hammond's voice interrupted their conversation.  
  
"COLONEL O'NEILL! IT IS ONE THING TO BE LATE BACK FROM A MISSION, BUT IT'S ANOTHER TO BRING HOME SOME ALIEN CREATURE! THIS IS GOING ON YOUR RECORD!"  
  
"General Sir, with all due respect, Colonel O'Neill didn't bring back the creature it, it came through on it's own."  
  
"WELL WHY THE HELL WASN'T THE IRIS CLOSED?"  
  
"Don't ask us Sir, we're not operating the computers from down here!" Jack attempted to wipe the "Telfo's" slobber from his cheek.  
  
"SILER!"  
  
"Y, Yes Sir."  
  
"I BLAME YOU FOR THIS!"  
  
Telfo suddenly went mad. He frantically sped around the Gate-room, looking for a way out.  
  
"CARTER! Get these people us on the ramp! AND GODDAMNIT SILER! SHUT THE GATE DOWN!!"  
  
Teal'c, Carter and O'Neill pulled Daniel and SG-6 to safety and sat on the ramp watching Telfo run mad. It let out a deafening bellow which shook the ground and burst the bullet proof glass.  
  
"Would somebody get us outta here!"  
  
Teal'c attempted to zat the beast, but it had no affect.  
  
"Great! What else could go wrong?!"  
  
*BLOOP*  
  
"Why is it when someone say that, things always GET WORSE!"  
  
"What's going on?" Daniel had woken from his "stunning" experience. "Why is Ra on this side of the Stargate?!!"  
  
"Don't ask ME!"  
  
"Oh....." *BANG* Daniel blacked out and landed smack bang on top of Ra, causing half of their bodies to be on one side of the gate, and the other off world.  
  
"DANIEL!"  
  
"Get off me fool!" Ra bellowed.  
  
Siler suddenly spoke up, unaware of the situation at hand.  
  
"Shutting the gate down now Sir."  
  
"ARE YOU CRAZY?!!" Jack ran up the ramp to save his friend.  
  
"Shut that gate down Siler and you'll be the next man I execute!"  
  
"Yes General.....Sir."  
  
Jack grabbed Daniel's legs and pulled him back through the Stargate. "All right Siler! Shut it down!"  
  
"I don't take orders from you Colonel!"  
  
Siler ignored Jack's complaints and kept the gate open. Ra was able to get back though and was already starting his revenge.  
  
"I WILL NOT REST UNTIL EVERY HUMAN IS EITHER DEAD OR HOSTS TO MY SYMBIOTES!"  
  
Jack opened fire on Ra, unfortunately for the Colonel, Ra was protected by a force shield which glowed red when Jack's bullets hit it.  
  
"CRAP!"  
  
"Open the blast doors! Get us outta here!" Carter cried.  
  
"Do it."  
  
"Yes General."  
  
Siler began typing in the codes needed to open the doors when Ra sent a firey missile from his ribbon device straight at Siler's head.  
  
"Well, he's gone..." Jack mumbled.  
  
"Sir! The scientists are waking up!"  
  
"Oh CRAP AGAIN!"  
  
"Oh and Sir?"  
  
"Carter?"  
  
"Siler changed the computer codes yesterday morning, I didn't get the chance to memorize them, without Siler to open the blast doors we're trapped down here."  
  
A scientist overheard their conversation. "Look on the bright side Miss Carter, at least we're not dead."  
  
"Shut up GEEKHEAD!" Jack was seriously annoyed.  
  
"Yes Sir."  
  
"What else could go...."  
  
"And Sir, I may have forgotten to mention that the system will selt destruct in half an hour if..." Ra sent another firey ball from his hand, which ended up sizzling the computer at the back of the gate-room. "....That happens." Sam finished.  
  
"What the hell! I didn't even say that things were going to get worse!"  
  
"You were going to Sir."  
  
"That's not the point!"  
  
Ra laughed evilly, "HA HA HA HA HA!!"  
  
"Damn it, psychopath is on the loose!"  
  
"PREPARE TO DIE!" Just as Ra was about to fry O'Neill and Carter with his ribbon device, Telfo (who had been hiding in a corner when Ra came through) ran towards him and.....  
  
*GULP!*  
  
"Eww! That can't be good for you!"  
  
Telfo had swallowed Ra whole, and then he jumped through the gate.  
  
"I'll miss you Telfo."  
  
"Carter, don't get too attatched."  
  
"O'Neill, there is less than 15 minutes left."  
  
"Ah Crap..."  
  
"But sir, with my brains and all of your braun not to mention the Major's beauty, it will be but a small task to escape."  
  
"CRAM IT BUG EYE!"  
  
"Ah Sir?"  
  
"What now Carter?" "Our theory was that you could only travel ONE way through the gate, depending on which side you open it from."  
  
"Right.....OH CRAP! HIT THE DECK!"  
  
Telfo and newly devoured Ra came hurtling back the way they had come.. Everyone stood up.  
  
"GREEEAAAT!!"  
  
Daniel clenched his teeth. "Ten minutes left Jack, what're we going to do?"  
  
Jack turned to the General. "Fer cryin' out loud General! PRESS SOME BUTTONS!"  
  
An unsure expression washed over Sam's face. "That might not be such a good idea Sir."  
  
"Got any other suggestions?"  
  
"No Sir, but it looks like Telfo's dinner didn't go down too well." *PUURGLUPGUUURGGGLE*  
  
"Great! Now he's vomited old Ra back up.. And woa! Does he look angry or what?!"  
  
"I WILL DESTROY YOU FOR THIS!!" With that, Ra cast another fireball, this time, it bounced off the wall behind SG-6 and hurtled right towards the computers.  
  
*SMASH* *FRY*  
  
"Destruction aborted." Came the familiar computer voiced.woman.  
  
"Nice shot there Ra!"  
  
"Sir, we have to do something, fast!"  
  
"DIE MORTALS! YOU ARE NOT IMPOIRTANT! I WILL TAKE YOU AT MY WILL!"  
  
"But you are not immortal, therefore it is possible for you to DIE!" Teal'c hollered.  
  
"FOOL! WHY DO YOU QUESTION MY POWER?! I AM A GOD!" At that very moment, O'Neill tripped Ra, causing him to loose his balance.  
  
"AHHHHH! YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!" "I DISAGREE! YOU WILL PAY!"  
  
Teal'c ran towards Ra and held him on the ground, Ra's arm disappeared into the Gate.  
  
"SOMEBODY SHUT DOWN THE GATE!"  
  
Luckily for O'Neill, the Stargate disengaged on it's own, chopping of Ra's arm in the process.  
  
"AHHH MY ARM!" Teal'c turned to O'Neill.  
  
"Do not worry O'Neill he is anarmed."  
  
"Yeah, I see THAT Teal'c!"  
  
"No, O'Neill his ribbon device is gone."  
  
"Oh, GREAT!"  
  
General emerged from his hiding spot. "Colonel, good work! Cease him!"  
  
"Thanks, I guess Sir!" Ra tried to escape, but with only one arm, it was useless.  
  
"YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!"  
  
"So you keep saying!" Jack looked at Carter, he was about to agree with her when the look on her face went from bemused to startled.  
  
"Ah, Sir. where'd he go?"  
  
"What are you talking about, he's right.." O'Neill turned around, "OH CRAP!"  
  
Ra had vanished into thin air! Teal'c spoke up.  
  
"Ra will most likely find a sarcougagus and will regenerate."  
  
"Great! Just like a skink!"  
  
"Jack, how'd he disappear like that?"  
  
"Don't ask me Daniel!"  
  
"Sir, could he just be invisible?"  
  
"It is unlikely Major Carter." Teal'c said.  
  
"Wait, he must have used that device that Orlin was talking about back in the cell!" Daniel fiddled with his smashed glasses.  
  
"Oh, that's just super-duper!" Jack pulled at his hair.  
  
"And, if he couldn't go back through the Stargate from this side, then he must still be here on Ea."  
  
"I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT MAJOR!"  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Ra's dead! VERY DEAD!" Just then, a voice from nowhere started the base.  
  
"BWA HA HA HA HA! I AM HERE BUT YOU CAN'T SEE ME! I WILL PLAUGE YOUR WORLD BEFORE DESTROYING YOU ALL!"  
  
"Ah CRAP!"  
  
"You were saying Sir?"  
  
"Shut it Carter! Just shut it!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
END!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
